look for the colors

and there are these days

there are these days when you wake up and everything just feels wrong. it’s like the enemy sensed a small crack in your identity and he took a crowbar to that thing, cracking it open as far as he could. and he just keeps pouring into it.

there are these days when perception is everything. when you could be surrounded by the most lovely of people, the warmest of hearts, and still feel alone. and know that’s a lie, but the feeling of insecurity is unreal. and proclaiming the lies your facing may be the hardest thing ever.

there are these days when crying out to God seems weak. when you want to fix it yourself, or pretend like nothing’s wrong. there are days when you feel like He’s already provided so much, how could you not be happy with it? how could you not be okay?

there are these days when all you want to do is be on your face at the Lord’s feet. and you can’t bring yourself to do it because all you want to do is just break down and lose it to Him and you’re afraid the tears won’t flow and you won’t get the release you need.

and there are these days, my child, where you just have to lay it all out to the Creator and know that He is good and here and He will provide all you need.

got milk? 1 Peter 2:2-3

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

Why milk? Why not a nice steak, some fresh vegetables? Why can’t we crave spiritual cake; that seems more feasible.

Why milk, and mother’s milk to boot?

Mother’s milk is easily digestible, our little growing bodies were MEANT to be sustained from it, just like we should be sustained by our faith and by God.

It is nutritionally whole, nothing lacking, so we have no need to seek refreshment from any other source. God wants us to be sustained in life through Him, not needing to seek refreshment from any other source.

Mother’s milk isn’t anything extravagant, it’s not a delicacy or an indulgence. It gives us exactly what we need, nothing more, nothing less.

And the big one:

Mother’s milk comes from, well, our mothers. And growth in our salvation, well that comes from partnership with Christ. Seeking nourishment in Christ. Being with Christ and being okay with being sustained and comforted solely by the King.

this is it

it’s time to take risks. I heard Don Miller speak in Charlotte on Tuesday, speak about meaning and how to get to it. I’ve been trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life for awhile now, and I’ve got it, at least for the next few years. I’m going to sell my stuff, buy a mobile home and a trailer to put all my art supplies in, and travel around, refurbishing and making stuff and loving on people and making music. and writing about it all. to most people, this sounds crazy, but to those who know me, it makes perfect sense. and i’m so dead serious about it all. i’m excited to get started

on account of me

in response to a dear friend questioning God’s presence and attentiveness in her life:

You cited Matthew 11:3, “‘Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting or should we look for another?’” Keep reading. What word did Jesus send back to John? Verse 4-6, “Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO DOES NOT FALL AWAY ON ACCOUNT OF ME.”“

That last sentence is the important part. John, self-proclaimed as the disciple whom Jesus loved, was in prison, about to be beheaded. He, knowing Jesus’ affections as great as He did, having no doubt of Christ’s love for him, doubts God, asking for the deliverance in the same way it had previously been given him. And how does Jesus reply? He essentially says, “John, take into account all the things that I am doing. That WE are doing.” and when He says “Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me,” He’s essentially telling John that he’s not coming to save him this time. He’s saying, “Buddy, you’re not getting out of this one, you’re gonna die, because that’s what it’s time for. But don’t fall away from your faith in my goodness just because I’m not doing what you want me to.”

A lot of times we say that having faith is believing God for provision. But even more than that, having faith in God is simply BELIEVING HIS GOODNESS FOR THE WORLD. Because there will be times when we don’t get what we want, or what we think we deserve, or what we think is coming. Sometimes things are prophesied that don’t come true in the time we expect them to. And sometimes it causes us to lose heart in a BIG way. And we think, God, where is my provision? All these things you’ve promised, where are they? Why would You have me to be confused? Why would you have me to be in need? And where the eff are you?

We don’t get to tell God what to do, and I KNOW you know that. But sometimes we forget. God often works in ways that make no sense. I have often been told that, when faced with dueling choices or situations, the path that makes the least sense is often the one blessed by the Spirit. There is a timing and method much higher than anything we can grasp or conceptualize that we are unknowingly operating by. God knows our hearts and is working to make our lives progress in such a way that makes us gain the maximum benefit. The things we go through are teaching us skills that we have yet to see the purpose for. The things you are going through now, the things all of the people you listed above are going through now are meant to bring you to a higher understanding.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul writes, and this is a long passage, so forgive me, beginning in 11:21b, “What anyone else dares to boast about—I am speaking as a fool—I also dare to boast about…Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again…I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked…Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?” (11: 21b, 23, 27, 29…I skipped around a bit, but was careful not to misconstrue context, feel free to read the passage in its entirety, I just took out some deeper details.)

Paul was crazy, undoubtedly. He was absolutely off his rocker in his faith in God. I think sometimes his gumption and conviction surprised even his own self! He didn’t understand how he could go through trial after trial and not fall. But that’s what we are called to. We are called to be human. To know defeat. To know pain. And to rejoice in that because that’s what’s been dealt us, not out of spite, but as part of a greater plan we know nothing of.

The things that knock us down are often the things that show us how strong we are. Ponder this for a second. You may be low low low right now, but could you turn from Christ? Could you renounce your beliefs? Could you say that God is not? I doubt it. Christ’s hold on our hearts is most evident when we least expect, when we have every reason to let go and WE JUST CAN’T. There have been times when I’m been on my butt wasted and STILL proclaiming the glory of the Lord because that is where my heart beats. And that is where your heart beats too, dear. And maybe you have been thrown into the lion’s den and made to struggle but it is only because He NEEDS YOU THERE to fulfill a plan that NO ONE ELSE CAN. You are so precious to God. And He hasn’t left you, not at all. Look to your left side, He’s peeking over your shoulder. He’s literally got his hand on you. I can see if and you can feel it. You know his heart beats in your chest. And He adores you for that. He loves that you’re not afraid to challenge Him, to try and hold Him accountable for His promises. And He will come through for you in due time. It may not be this week, or it may be tomorrow, but He is your King and Savior and he has called you HIS and has proclaimed a future victory over you.

And He’s not mad at you for questioning, that’s a big thing He wants you to stop struggling with. Command answers. Rebuke doubt. Be faithful. See God’s work in the world, in your own life and beyond. Rejoice in life and the love you’ve been given. Everyone can see Christ’s love in you. He sees you as this magnificent warrior, always ready to suit up for battle, always ready to fight the good fight. But rest is coming. You are not going to be weathered and worn when He comes to fight for you. He’s not going to let it get that far. He promises. He’s using you to show His power to others. Your conviction speaks of His might.

As Paul said, “‘To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.” (2 Cor. 12: 7-10)

You’re going to get through this. I promise.

Map (working title, unfinished song)

>There’s a map in my glove box/That I pull out when I am lost

It helps me find my way along the road

and you’re like that dusty map/that I fold out on my lap

instead of finding streets I find my soul

*Point me in the right direction/I’m in need of your protection

Turn me from the dark and to the light

I’ve been trav’ling for so long/Come to you for a new song

to guide me through the day and through the night

>This old map has worn-out edges/It’s been read on many ledges

at the rest stops down the long highway

and my heart’s been roughed up too/but I fin’lly can see you

molding it like a new piece of clay

Point me in…

reflections on Psalm 84 and making a home

My soul yearns, even faint, for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young—

a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King, and my God.

—vs. 2-3

how often do we label our heart as a home for Christ? the place where our relationship with Him dwells?

it’s a great thought, really, putting our Creator metaphorically in a place so close to us, somewhere we spend so much time. but let’s think more about this.

what do our homes mean to us, honestly? if i’m being honest, my home is the one place that i can keep messy, until someone else has to see it, that is. it’s somewhere where things get piled up to take care of later. and when i get upset, really upset, home is the last place i initially want to be, because it’s where i keep all the pictures and knick knacks that remind me of where i’ve been, all the things i don’t need but just can’t seem to throw away.

i think we kind of tend to take care of God similarly. we let the space in our hearts where He dwells get messy, and cluttered. we become a sort of hoarder when it comes to the things we don’t want to deal with, things we don’t want to put away or confront. we shove the dirty things in the corner and try not to let them pile up. and eventually, we get stuck.

where it all changed for me is when i got my first place all of my own. instead of existing in my parents’ house or in a dorm room, i had my own space. something i could take ownership of. something i could decorate so that it looked like me, instead of it being a part of a larger entity. and i think my faith has followed a similar pattern. when i got out from under the umbrella i grew up in, when i was able to explore who Christ is in my life, when i was able to examine where things fit the best and was made to throw out the things that no longer fit.

it’s wonderful, don’t you know? it’s wonderful that God wants to dwell in us. he wants to be our house guest, the good kind of house guest, the one that wakes up early to cook you a healthy breakfast before work, the kind that tidies up while you’re gone, and best of all the kind that brings home fresh flowers for the dining room table. and it’s a relationship that requires reciprocation. if He cooks, we have to do the dishes. if He brings home flowers, we have to keep them watered. and because He’s doing these things to thank us for letting him in, we must always remember to thank Him for being here.

taking time

it’s hard, you know, taking time from the people who mean the most. we live in a world that is built both on dependence and independence. sometimes, i feel like we often depend on others to show us how independent we are, and end up taking a lot of people for granted in the process.

maybe it’s naive to say that you don’t think someone realizes what you do for them. not in a works sense. in a, this person hasn’t thought about what you mean to them way. in a, i was walking through dollar tree the other day, wondering to myself why does this person mean so much to me and how does being around them make me feel and how do they function in my life?

i’ve come to realize that the process of self-discovery means nothing if you don’t pair it with a study in awareness. awareness of yourself and your peers. awareness of the world around you. awareness of how the world and people affect you. and most importantly, how you affect it.

it’s a lot to think about, truly.

on getting away

i’m 23 and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life. it’s funny, i’ve found that not having anything to do is almost more overwhelming than having a million things to do. often i’m met with this insatiable need to get away, to separate from the things that are, the things that i know and the things that i feel aren’t helping. it’s a normal thing, you know, wanting to escape so that you can reset.

but maybe we’re getting it all wrong.

maybe the only way to truly escape what ails you is to be where you are, but in a different way. maybe what we need to do is very much to be in our world and simply live with more intention, aiming to break the patterns that hold us.

we make patterns in our lives without even a thought. we go to work. we eat the same things. we see the same people. we have the same conversations. and we got lost in it. but it’s time to break.

breaking from patterns is funny though. our instinct is to throw everything away and start again, but is that what’s best? memorization of sensation is something that’s always interested me, ever since the concept was introduced to me at an honors chorus years ago. you have an experience, one that ends up defining a feeling for you, happy, or confused, or what have you, and you REMEMBER how that feels. you remember why you felt that way. and then, when you get stuck in a pattern and life becomes  monotonous, you remember the things that made you truly feel.

this isn’t to say you go back to the same things, but rather you remember how you got there. and you relink yourself to the past in a way that is freeing rather than restricting.

so often we are taught to let go of former days, to always propel forward, and yes, there are ways to hold on and ways to not. lately i’ve found that the distinction between dwelling and reflecting is particularly poignant. we have to recognize the past for what it was, what we learned, and where we’ve come. and we appreciate it. and then we store the lessons we’ve experienced in a wonderful place called our brain, ready to call on these things when we need them.

life is not about knowing where you’ve been or where you’re going. it’s about intention. living intentionally, being aware of the world, how it affects you and how you affect it. sometime, yes, this means having a plan. but sometimes, living intentionally means purposely looking out into the unknown and being peaceful with it, being ready but not jumping the gun. the plans have already been made for us, now all we have to do is be ready for them.

Self-Love <3 1 Corinthians 13:6-7

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

these verses are a part of what may be the most over played scripture besides John 3:16. these words are recited so often that, many times, we take their meaning for granted. we box them in so that they only apply to romantic contexts, and that’s kind of foolish.

think of all the times Jesus talks about love. he’s not only talking about romance and marriage. love of people is the basis of His teachings, it’s what it’s all about.

personally, i’ve gone over 1 corinthians 13 so many times, looking at the words in context of different relationships. friendships. family. how God loves us. how we love God. the world. but there’s one way i’ve never explored. self-love.

we’ve all heard it before: you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. i don’t think we intentionally ignore ourselves, but in a world where outward image is the standard we often love what we’re supposed to be and how people react to us as opposed to who we really are. but how does God want us to love ourselves?

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. we tell ourselves lies CONSTANTLY. and yes, a lot of these, especially for women, are built on physical or emotional inadequacies, ways we feel we fall short. the lies that often really get to me, however, are lies of contentment. being okay with situations or patterns in my life that i know deep down are not helping. the things that we do that we know aren’t healthy in some way or another, but we don’t want to change because that would hurt or be hard. but guess what? if we love ourselves, we rejoice in our own truth. and the truth is, we know that God is for us and has created us to be beautiful and victorious. we rejoice in the truth that life is hard. and not everyone is going to be warm and kind to us. and there are times when we hate what we are and where we’re going. we rejoice in the truth and raw pain because we know that it leads to healing and personal redemption and the eventual self-love we should all be searching for.

It always protects. hearts are precious and fragile things. and part of loving ourselves is keeping our hearts guarded as necessary. this doesn’t mean blocking everything out; that’s being numb, and that’s not what we’re meant for. but there is a way to protect yourself without being a statue. it’s called awareness. knowing what’s going on in your brain, knowing the patterns you operate by, knowing the things that bring you trouble. it’s hard to acknowledge and establish boundaries for yourself, but it’s so worth it. we’re here to live the best life God had for us, and part of that is making sure we know how we operate.

always trusts. we love to listen to other people. we love to have other people tell us what we should do. we love to be led. because we hate to trust our own judgement. we like to think that someone else knows the desires of our being and God’s desires for us better than we do. that kind of sounds silly to me. i’m the one in my own head, but someone else probably knows me better than i do. i’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. and part of loving ourselves as Christ intends is trusting the desires He puts in us. and being fearless in following them.

always hopes. this is an easy one. a huge part of self-love is realizing that there’s always tomorrow. and we have dreams for a reason. and while some of them we know are a little ostentatious, the ones that truly capture our heart are always there for a reason and we are charged to hold fast to them. self-love is hoping for the best for yourself; expecting yourself to reach all of the highest heights because you count yourself victorious.

always perseveres. we must keep going. not just because we can’t give up. we must keep going to show ourselves that we are worth it. that we are strong. that we have greatness waiting for us. we have to keep going to show ourselves that we are worth the pain and work and investment. because that is how our Creator sees us.

God is love. and He desires love for the world. and he desires love for us. so, we are charged to live and breath and bask in it. because there truly is nothing else.